Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
