the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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