I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
