hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
