shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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