walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Randomize
