I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
