New low: just hacked my moms facebook
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
