i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Randomize
