I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
