It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
