the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
