was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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