I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Randomize
