Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Randomize
