Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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