I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
