i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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