Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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