Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
