the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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