no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Randomize
