I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
