I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
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