why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
