I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Randomize
