Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
