im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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