he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Randomize
