I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You made out with two different species that night
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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