Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
