i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
