Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize