Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
