he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Randomize
