I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
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