I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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