woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
