we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize