My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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