i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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