I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
