I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
