you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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