They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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