my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
