Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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