Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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