what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
