Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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