Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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