when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
