Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
